so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
