1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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