My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
