no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
