I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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