I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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