and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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