I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Never let your siblings swipe right.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
