OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
