I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
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