Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
