You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
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The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
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I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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