Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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