I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
