I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
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The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
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He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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