Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
