My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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