Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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