So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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