I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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