i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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