she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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