I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize