Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
