Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
