Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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