remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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