My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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