My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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