just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
