I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
