i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
