I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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