So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
