I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
