Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
