Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
