Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
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I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
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I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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