If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I AM VODKA MAN
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
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