So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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