I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
