He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're using joints as your birthday candles
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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