dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
