shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
