So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
