Your mouth is God's brothel.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
