You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
