Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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