I must be too annoying 4 u.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He passed out mid-signature
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
