It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
