so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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