you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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