I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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