Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
